Dear dream

Nabila Yasmin (INA AFS to JAPAN YP 18–19)

This one goes to Japan, my pre-pubescent teen’s dream.

I did it.

Come to think about it, it has never been easy from the very start of the journey. My easily-underestimating-stuffs’ side had me forgotten about the very first test’s voucher (my dad was a real mvp that day, if it’s not for him I won’t be able to be here), the fact that our documents must have been submitted when I’m on my holiday on the other city (to my cousins who bear the sight of my messy room in order to find my report cards and the one who drove me to the post office in the middle of the night, thank you) and don’t forget the infamous ‘Thank you for the opportunity of an exchange in Japan, but can I forfeit since I was aiming for yes?’ that was before I knew that I’ll be getting a scholarship.

It was tiring, it was tough, it was really hard. But those words that these famous people were saying about dreams and hard work goes together? The harder you work, the bigger your prize is in the end, of course, a little bit of luck here and there wouldn’t hurt. It was all true, so spot on.

And so it began.

If you tell my young self that my 17th birthday is going to be celebrated in Japan, she wouldn’t believe you. If you tell her that she’ll go to a Japanese School with real Japanese uniforms and have Japanese friends, she would think that you’re crazy, that it is simply impossible. Japan was once my dream, that is true. However it was also a dream that I was afraid of dreaming.

But I’m here, writing this with a heater near me inside my room in Japan, so I need to applaud my young self for was brave enough to make this dream a reality.

The thing is with dreams, they are only beautiful when it’s inside your head. When it was just simply a movie played in your head by your brain’s neutrons or thoughts that floated in your head while you daydreamed. When you have nightmares, you could wake up and slowly breathe, telling yourself that it’s ok, it was just a bad dream and you’re fine now, you could just forget it as it is not real. Because that’s what makes dream, a dream. That it is not the reality.

But in case of dreams that turns into reality, you can’t call it a dream no more.

You call it life.

Life, isn’t all happiness and smiles or laughter. It is also tears, disappointment and envy. It could be a day started with you woken up with sun pouring out of your curtains or in the middle of the night because of earthquakes (writing this with a personal experience in mind)

You see, when bad dreams turns real (we call it mostly, ‘problem’) you can’t run from it. You are forced to face it, even when you’re scared or has no idea about how you are going to fight. Running isn’t a choice to be considered in long-term because it will always find you back.

I must admit, I didn’t know that many stuffs in Japanese when I first came. Not going to sugar coat anything, that feeling was, for a lack of better words, terrible. The feeling when you wanted to mingle with others but it was proven to be difficult by both parties because of language barrier? Been there, done that. Communicated with only using your expressions and hands? My favourite language back then.

The thing is, I tried. I studied but it seemed like it was done for nothing as my skills are not improving and I was getting more and more frustrated. (later I found out that I’m not alone in this, that it is normal for an exchange student to feel this way) that was my first nightmare among so many others.

Was I prepared? No.

Does it seem like it was impossible? Yes, it was.

Can it be defeated? Yes, definitely yes.

It is not defeated solely by myself. My host families, my friends and teachers all had a hand in my fight. When it became too much, I stepped back. I remembered my family and friends when back home, and it was my biggest trigger, my biggest whiplash to my own self to fight through it. That not only I’m doing this for me, I’m doing this for everyone that believes in me, too.

Of course, life isn’t all about nightmares and dark days and fights. It was delightful, kind and laid back as well. Eating sushi, for example. I never eat raw foods prior to Japan, but when my tastebuds felt it for the first time, I knew exactly that it’s definitely for me. Watching how the Sakura fell down to be replaced by green, lush leaves, how they turned orange and followed Sakura’s fate, until there are no longer leaves that fell down, but snow. You don’t experience that in Indonesia. You don’t experience how it feels like playing volleyball while shivering because of the cold outside (and red hands afterwards) or experience running for 20 minutes straight. That was tough. Really though. Tough.

One of the highlights was when I was able to meet my one of my favorite idols. Not only met him, I was also able to shake his hands. Even though I couldn’t say anything other than a jumbled I love you, it was a really memorable experience for me. Even better, I only needed to buy one album to get that hi-touch event! See, life could be your magical fairy godmother too, sometimes. Also highlights are when my friends and I went to karaoke together and sang our hearts out no matter our final score would be. Had Christmas and Halloween party with my club while eating foreign snacks. Let’s not forget the fact that I used to despise matcha so much, but then ended up visiting the Japanese Culture Club, because, guess why? To drink matcha.

When I looked back and see myself before Japan, I feel like she has changed so much throughout this journey. I hope it’s for the better. She has learnt so much, has grown so much and has experienced so much in such a short amount of time. I want to give her a huge pat in the back for being strong and doing so well after all this time. お疲れ様.

If my life is written as a book, then this exchange experience would be a ‘big-event-that-changed-how-the-protagonist-sees-life” kind of chapter. Like how the hunger games is for Katniss, or how the death of Aguri affects Koro-sensei. I would be lying if I say that I want to leave, because I don’t. I want to stay here for as long as I can, but just like the people I have mentioned, it’s just a chapter in life that eventually ends.

Of course, I would miss buying stuffs from the vending machine (my school’s pudding is really the best. I thank everyone for letting me into this school), eating Bento together, changing shoes when we enter the school’s building, watching anime while studying about science (guess what anime), using coins to buy stuffs, going to karaoke in weekends, eating dinner while watching Japanese variety shows. ま、 いろいろ.

When I get back, I hope that this experience will help me becoming a better person. For this was a dream that I’ve called as reality, I wish my future dreams would ended up the same way.

Thank you, dream. For the experience, for the tears, for the laugh, and most importantly, the lesson that helped shaping me into what I am today. I don’t know what am I supposed to do next, now that this ‘dream’ would come to an end. I wondered when the future’s going to come, but it’s in front of my eyes now and I could only hope that this will helped me somehow.

Now dream, let’s separate like yesterday.

Like yesterday, as if we’re going to see each other tomorrow.