What Has Changed

Sekar Mentari (INA AFS to Italy YP 16–17)

‘Sei davvero un tesoro, Tata. Non te l’ho mai detto, ma ora te lo dico.’

‘You are really a sweetheart, Tata. I’ve never told you that, but now I tell you’

That phrase hit me right in the heart. There were times when my ‘roller coaster’ of this exchange year had been going down and down, and the urge of doing anything kept decreasing everyday. After 4 months, everything was no longer new and I’m stopped being amazed by everything like I’m used to. The feeling of missing home and friends kept filling my heart and brain.

Then one night, all of a sudden, my mom told me that phrase, she hugged me. She hugged me so tight like we didn’t come from different parts of the world, like so much differences between us were never exist. She hugged me like she had loved me as a daughter for the whole 17 years, and she asked, “What do we don’t have in life, Sekar?”
“Nothing.” I answered immediately. I was surprised by my own answer, I was so down but my brain couldn’t deny the fact that I didn’t miss anything. I realized I was right, there’s nothing for me to be ungrateful for.

Well, after being here for 5 months, I’m so happy that everything is getting so much nicer. Like, everything is starting to go like it should be. Starting from the friendship; I still remember the days when I always had to be the one who asked whether my friends were going spend their times together or not, until now I’m never missed on their birthday parties lists. Also the times when I had so much spare times at home, and that made me felt so bad because I knew I should’ve done something more, and now I have much more activities until the only day I can directly go home after the school is on Saturday.

Besides that, I realize there are also things that are starting to change inside me. The way I react to problems, for example. Like, here, I don’t have many choice when I have to face a problem. There’s no Mommy who can offer me the alternative ways, nor bestfriends who always stand by my side no matter what. Instead, the only choie I have in here is being strong and face it. And for me, the hardest part of facing a problem is not how you do to solve it, but how you cheer yourself to get up and face it. I swear cheering yourself up during the hard times are the hardest thing ever, convincing yourself that you can do it and pushing yourself to always try, try, try even though you know you’ll keep on falling. And I did that to myself so many times, until now I’m here, thanking myself for what I’ve done.

Another thing that’s also changed is the way I control my emotion. If you’re living as an exchange student in a family that you never know before, it’s really important to be aware of your position in that family. In here, I become wise enough to know which things that are good to do, or better to be avoided. And it’s never like I can always do what I want, and express whatever I feel. I used to be so good at expressing what I feel to my family back homeJ but in here, I feel like I’ve lost my power to do that. Everytime I get angry or upset, the only thing I can do is to swallow those emotions and pretend to be okay. And it’s just amazing, realizing the fact that I’ve spent so much energy to fight with my family back home, now I found myself in such a serene condition I’ve never know. Even though actually, that thing is still not easy to do, especially when I’m extremely tired. Sometimes I found myself desperated and tired while doing that, sometimes I just wanted to cry my heart out.

Not over yet, my greatest achievement in here is how I’m improved to interact with others. Since I was a child, I’ve been such a shy little girl that even my mom hated that part of me so much. (Seems like God forgot bless me with confidence and openness.) And I realized I can’t ever be that kind of people who can just talk to everyone, laugh, and joke so easily. That’s why even to have friends in here, I’m already so grateful hahaha. But, the fact that Italians like talking sooo much, made me needed to force myself to talk more. Weird at first, because I just don’t know what to talk about, and above all I just don’t like talking that much. But luckily, I learned from the masters! It’s actually crazy and so funny to know how Italians always have topics to be talked about.

And over all, my exchange year in here has been going good. My relation with my family is good, with my friends are good, with the school…. Hmm now that’s still a problem. But I don’t want to talk about that right now, because I’m writing this letter on the only day off I have in a week, which is Sunday. And talking about school will definitely ruin my mood. Anyway, even though over all I have no big problems in here, I can’t deny that sometimes I caught myself thinking ‘Sh*t, why am I here actually’, because there were times that were so damn hard, and I realized my complicated personality and depressed soul always made it felt like two times harder. Like, seriously, I’m not joking. But between those times, there were also very sweet moments that even until now always make me tear up a bit every time I think about going back home.

Sad, because time flies this fast. This exchange year has come to its half faster than I thought, and it will soon come to its end. The fear of not doing things enough has been haunting me, but I’ve promised myself that I’ll come home without leaving any regret. There are still 5 months to fix every mistakes that I made, to study harder and to try everything again. There are still 5 months to be lived by my best, and I won’t waste any second of it.